This is something that I struggle with a surprising amount. It's surprising to me anyway - I mean, how do you forget how to be yourself - shouldn't that be the one thing that comes super naturally?
Nope, nope, nope.
|Let me get this nasty thing |
out of your way!
I don't know when it started creeping in again. My last job required me to plaster a smile on my face and be practically perfect in every way at all times - something which I do very well - to a fault.
You have a problem? HERE LET ME HELP YOU!!! EXCLAMATION POINT! SMILEY FACE! :) :) You have a minor problem and someone just cut my arm off - NO WORRIES! I can still help you, lemme just grab a band aid - tee hee!
After I first left, it was a great feeling like myself again. Wearing the clothes I like, filling my time with things I enjoy - the basics. But, there always seems to come a time when I end up in "fake person" mode again. At every. hour. of. the. day. It's incredibly frustrating and exhausting.
|"How would you like your eggs?"|
I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW.
By saying I am 'being fake' it's not so much that I am consciously acting against the desires I have, it's more as though I become much more in tune to the desires of others and just go along with those without thinking. Sure, everyone has to do that sometimes - but doing it nonstop is like hell. You know that scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts is talking about her favorite type of eggs? Not really? Well, I know at some point someone is asking her how she likes her eggs - and she realizes that she likes them however her current boyfriend likes them. She just...goes along, without having a real feeling about it.Now, I realize that it's just eggs (and a not-so-great movie) but it's a big deal. If you stop listening to yourself, you stop being a self.
That's what happens when I get in 'persona', rather than person, mode. The other day I went to hoop - and found that I didn't want to unless the camera was on. WHAT? Have I really forgotten what it's like to do something for myself? If no one is watching what is the point? If no one else will have an opinion about this, how can I? That's no way to live.
The past few weeks I have been living outside of myself. Always judging, always looking, making sure I am saying the right thing at the right time. But, what is the right thing? When is the right time? Who is keeping score?
|How is she holding her finger mustache? |
I MUST HOLD MINE THE SAME WAY!
I know that much of this comes from being a twin. Sigh. As does so much of what I do. Growing up it was all about "us" - two. BOTH. TOGETHER. What she did was always counted as what I did - so we BOTH had to be perfect all the time. At least we thought so. I carry that mentality with me, that my behavior always matters to someone all the time.
I think what I always seem to forget is that - this is true. My behavior matters to me all the time. Why is it so easy to forget that my own is the most important opinion to count? When I stop listening to it, I tend to lose it altogether. Then I just spiral - constantly seeking validation. A scary and infinitely fruitless act.
Whew. Well, it's time to relax. Refocus. Turn the camera off and practice for me. Get lost in my thoughts. Attempt to be genuine.
Hooping is what focuses me. It's what turns my mind to white noise and I begin to feel instead of think. No rationalizations, and no one else in my mind. I know that is why I fell in love with it. It's time to get back to that. And one day, I am hoping that I can carry that mentality with me beyond the hoop. Faith in my own opinion, faith in my self, and trust that I know what I want, and the rest will come.