Friday, May 20, 2011

Faulty Logic

Perfectionism shouldn't get to be called perfectionism. It's too pretty a word. It makes it sound like one is afflicted with being just too darn perfect all the time! Tee hee! Ugh.

Poppins, put that crap away before you
make those kids even more neurotic
 than their father surely has.
But perfectionism isn't a state of being, it's a way of thinking; and it's one that enforces a maladaptive world view of pure dichotomy. Perfect or fail. Black or white. Winner or loser. The. End.

Last's nights show went differently than as planned. I did not expect to hoop on a 6ft square patch of stage  with two interviewers watching directly from my side - which is exactly what happened. I busted out ALL the moves I used to do when I hooped between my desk and my bed in my college dorm. Which is to say - there was a lot of vortexing going on. 

So, long story short: everything I had planned went ::WHOOSH:: right out the proverbial window and I improvised a short set with which I was, personally, unhappy.

Seriously, though. I am sick of being unhappy with things. Yes, ugh, groan - I am a perfectionist. I hate even saying that at this point. Every year that passes I think - phhhft! I am, like, soooo glad I am not a perfectionist anymore! See - dishes in the sink! That's not perfect! See, clothes on the floor! Woo hoo, I am cured!

As I said, though, perfectionism is a mind set. I am much, much, MUCH better than I once was (a truly scary thought, at times) but when something new arises - the same mind set creeps back in. Okay, so I wasn't happy with how it went. So, in a world of nothing but mutually exclusive relationships - when things don't go according to plan, what does that leave? Dun, Dun DUN! TOTAL AND COMPLETE FAILURE. (to be read  as having a resounding echo.)

Hmmm. Well that's a pretty stupid way of looking at it. What about seeing it as a learning experience? Or, how about believing the people who said it was great and they enjoyed it (instead of giving in to that angry voice in my head offering it's biting rebuttal.) Or, how about this? Just, letting it go.

Alrighty. So I was extremely pleased to only have freaked out for about 30 minutes after the show ended while venting to my sister. (Cyn, thanks for always listening to, and understanding my, craziness.) I'll spare the gory details of perfectionistic and insane ranting, but here is the take away message:

Perfectionism sucks. It's not a safety precaution against failure as it can sometimes seem. It is not the state of being perfect. (Barf.) It is a world of limited options, a set of blinders, a way of only seeing what could go wrong and living to avoid rather than experience.

I know I've railed on it before here, and I am sure I will again. Trust me, it's mostly to convince myself but I've had enough. It's simply too exhausting to aim for the very, very, very, very best all the time. I asked my non-perfectionistic boyfriend how he sees new experiences. "Well, I go into any new experience not really expecting anything. If I don't like it and I am not very good at it, I stop. If I like it and am having fun, I keep going."

You know what dude? That sounds absolutely freaking perfect. 


WillBBC said...

It's a mindset that sticks you between a rock and a hard place. How many times have you been >< that close from reaching perfection and instead of celebrating a great performance do you walk away distraught? Aiming for the moon and hitting a star is still pretty friggin' great.

claudiahays said...

try not to get hung up on the performance, dear. small hoop spaces can feel suffocating (especially when performing), but you know that people were still impressed with your mad hoop skillz.

remember when we were first hooping and doing a move like the vortex seemed like the most badass thing ever? that's what those people were thinking while watching ya - badass hooper doing sick moves.

I remember reading a post on tribe (back in the day) about an awesome new vid of spiral performing. and she actually responded to the thread asking people to not be too critical as she was placed on a 5X5 go-go stage to perform. It definitely happens to everybody :-/

*link to performance:

- C. said...

well said to both :)