Confidence Beyond the Hoop: Security Blanket Syndrome

This weekend I found myself longing for my hoop. But, I not in a particularly good way.

I honestly wanted it as a security blanket. 

After a day of adventure in NYC my friend and I ended up at a reggae show late in the evening. I am a notoriously enthusiastic dancer when out at events and was excited to end my evening with some good music, overpriced wine and some of my (oh-so-kickin') dance moves. 

We arrived at the show and I was blown away by the band. Most of the time reggae really isn't my thing - but this group, Meta and the Cornerstones, really brought it. Great energy, loads of charisma, and beats that just beckoned one to the dance floor. And, hey, I was tipsy, the room was darkened and I was out in NYC late night - why not do it right? It was time to dance.

Except...once I got on the floor I felt frozen. What do I do? How do I dance? What am I doing again? 

Why are you over thinking our music? Do we look like we are going to judge you?
 (well..maybe a little. All those sunglasses..)

I was wondering if it was the 2 glasses of wine talking - but usually wine helps my dance floor confidence, if not skill. I realized - I did not feel safe dancing or moving unless I had my hoop. Dangit. 

Man, I was so hoping that all that glorious practice and movement that I had gotten in during the past months Hoop Challenge would have prepared me for movement and dance at a moments notice. Instead, I found myself trying to will my mind to feel the calmness and sense of ease it does when I have my hoop. While I am hooping I never think about  "how to move." Without it, I found myself thinking - am I moving my hips enough? More arm movement here?(I felt pretty much like this.)

One, Two, Three, Four, One, Two, Three -
I wonder if they can see my lips counting?

Why was I becoming analytical about this? I was disappointed that the self-doubt and judgement that I work so hard to get away from was all coming back, especially in a context that I would not have expected. I think of the hoop as giving me confidence - and it does, but translating that beyond the hoop is something on which I now hope to focus. 

I feel good in my hoop because I know that it is something at which I am good, and that it is pretty different from what most people have in their bag of tricks. But, I want to feel confidence about myself first, and myself as a hooper second. I realized this weekend that that is not where I am.

I think before the next few hoop sessions I am going to warm up by just dancing to a song before I grab my hoop. I want to trust myself when I move and when I act - not be shielded by my hoop.

Clearly, I will seek any prop to alleviate
the loneliness I feel without my hoop

It's important not to lose yourself in any one thing. Whether that be a hobby, a person, a relationship, a fear - the list is endless. I need to ask myself, Who am I beyond the hoop? How do I feel about that person? Why?

Though I eventually relaxed and busted a move at the show - my mind was not calm. I was analyzing every action, looking to others to check and compare myself and generally waaaaaaay over thinking what should have been a mindless task. Dance. 

Was it fun? Absolutely. But I have a lot of work to do to get to a space where I am comfortable with myself beyond the hoop. Using it as a tool to create comfortable context - and then moving beyond it - is the step at which I find myself. Hoop a bit, then dance. Dance a bit, then hoop. How does it feel? Why is it so different? What about your actions don't you trust the way you do with the hoop? 

I want to find out. I want to feel good. And the next time I have to dance - I want to feel closer to the calm, all-out-fantastical enjoyment I feel while in the hoop. I don't know who I think is judging me - but as soon as I realize that it's no one and that my life is my own to live - I think I will achieve that sense of "hoop calm," I just need to look at myself away from the hoop a bit, to get there.