Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Without a doubt, the most important words I have ever learned.

"Yeah, I like, don't care about  whatever you did"
You know when you upload something new - something that you are really proud of - and no one cares? Or if you show a new hoop move to someone and they are clearly less than enthused. You put together a performance and afterward are only greeted with 'constructive criticism' on what needs improvement. Stings a bit, yeah?

Well, it doesn't have to. Not when you remember the most important three words in life:

It's. Not. Personal.

Now, that is easy to say - but quite difficult to understand. By saying "it's not personal" I don't  mean: "OMG get over it it wasn't personal or anything so quit being a baby, GOD!"

Not taking things personally is TOTALLY different than 'gettting over' feeling badly about something. When things are not personal, much of the sting is prevented in the first place! Not taking something personally means understanding that a reaction has almost nothing to do with what is presented. Every person has their own experience and perspective through which they filter information and then react.

Think of it this way.

Your vision of the response
After weeks of work you finally, finally FINALLY nailed the kickstart. The euphoria is overwhelming. Your friend comes by, who knows you are a hooper, and you show her this kick ass new move! You can almost hear the applause and envision the eye popping awe that you are about to inspire. Your hoop starts spinning, your ankle magically lifts the hoop and viola kick started! Ta Da!

You look over at your friend and she hasn't even looked up. "Oh, yeah. That's uh, really neat. Cool," she says halfheartedly. The illusion is shattered. Now you are sad, a bit angry at your friend and wondering, "geez what's her problem?"

Now think of it this way:

Your friend got up in the morning and her car wouldn't start. In the cab to work she spilled coffee on herself causing the driver to become gruff. She runs into work late and realizes her project folder with work due today is in the cab. Her boss yells at her for being unprepared and the next eight hours are filled with disappointed glances and horrendous deadlines. She leaves at 5 and cant wait to simply realx with her buddy who has invited her over. Upon arrival, she is such a zombie from the day she doesnt even noticed what's going on with her friend and that hoop she always has - she just wanted to come, relax and not think about anything. Which is exactly what she did.

So it actually had NOTHING to do with you or your hoop.

Oh no, please don't tell me how you
 nursed those to health
Though that story may be extreme, it could be as simple as - hey, maybe your buddy isn't in to hooping? I know when people start talking about gardening I can feel my eyes glaze over. Doesn't mean I like my gardening buddies any less - and I certainly don't hold it against them - I just am not interested. It is also not my job to pretend to be interested in everything someone else does - and I would never ask that of someone else.

It can feel terrible when you upload something and are greeted with radio silence, but it is important to remember that you are not the star of everyone's narrative - thank goodness! Can you imagine if everyone WAS concerned with your day-to-day life every second? Every time I see a "story" about a celebrity without make-up at the grocery store I am thankful that the only person who is (out of necessity) concerned with me every second, is me.

Next time someone criticizes, ignores or gives the general "meh" treatment to something you do - try and think of the myriad of other reasons more likely than them being mean to you. There are thousands. Remembering that will take that sting away!

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Share what you are proud of. If no one else cares - well cool - still be proud. Things you do may seem to elicit reactions, but in reality the relationship between what you did and the outcome is not linear. Bottom line: it is not personal. Use these words as a mantra and I promise, you'll feel better ever single day.

want more like this? check out the excellent article on Gyropulse about "Big Timing" 


Myster said...

Wow! I just found your blog through the Hoop City "Hoop City Feature" today. Can I say WOW again? This blog is perfect... really resonates with a lot that I go through on a day to day basis. I always think people are being mean to me by not acting interested in things I do, because I will act interested about ANYTHING if it means I can have a good conversation with someone. I thought I was SUPPOSED to do that, so I get mad when people don't do it for me. And, I take everything personally. Every little thing. Someone doesn't text me back "they must hate me." someone doesn't talk to me during the day, but waves when they see me "they must hate me, i must suck at life." I am constantly taking things personally, when really... that's not the point. Thank you so much for this blog post.. it totally hits me in the right place and I am definitely going to reread it again and again to get that message to sink in.

My daily mantra is now going to be "It is not personal."

Thank you so much, Starshine!

Take care and have a spectacular day!
- Amanda

Shannon said...

I need a button that is like a Like button on facebook.

Or I'm going to start posting comments that say: LIKE! when I like it but I can't embellish more to be a real comment.

KymSpins said...

@ myster - WOW! thank you! You just made my day :)
I used to feel exactly like you did - I was ALWAYS listening and asking and blah blah and I was like - WHY dont ppl do that for me??? Then I started living this way - YAY! Way less stressful!
Thank you again! So glad you liked it!

@Shannon - Do eeet! "Like" away haha!